I don’t know quite what to do with myself today. It is the day after the presidential election and Barack Obama has won. I am home alone this morning stuck to msnbc.com watching live video of post-election coverage and well-up with tears each time a video clip comes on from Obama’s victory speech last night. Here it is again, “The road may be long, the climb steep….I promise you, we as a people will get there.” I believe him.
I have never believed in someone like this. Okay, my husband I believe, but throughout my life, I’ve never really given my trust to anyone. Yet, in this moment, I believe in Barack Obama, and he has made me, for the first time in my life, believe in the United States of America.
As a black woman living in a small city in Delaware, I feel my color in the hallways of my daughter’s school, when I’m pumping gas at Wawa, or shopping for groceries at Trader Joe’s. I feel like someone who doesn’t quite belong, but is allowed to exist, mostly unharmed, with the distinct knowledge that this is not my place, that the United States is not something I belong to, but just something I benefit from. Well, for the first time in my 31 ½ years, I feel like and believe that I too, am an American.
I was one of those folks watching the campaign hoping that Obama would win, but with total disbelief in the progressiveness and readiness of the American people to rock the boat. I prepared myself to continue my participation in American life on the margins, amongst people whose voices, vision, and desires are misunderstood when heard and often silenced by the dominating political activity that has shaped our country until this moment.
There have been breaks in the status quo, of course. Lincoln with the Emancipation Proclamation, FDR and the New Deal, JFK and his charismatic ability to make Americans believe in its promise, and Lyndon Johnson for passing the so important Civil Rights and Voting Acts bills. But it seems that America has turned back to business as usual each time. Clearly, I was not alive to have experienced any of these presidential anomalies, but my life as a double negative minority has been shaped by the hope and possibility that these presidencies bestowed on America.
Now, on this day, November 5th, 2008, I believe that I have a country to live for, to fight for, and to love. I recently took a friend from India to Philadelphia to tour Independence Park and the halls in which the birth of the United States took place with the writing, refining, and acceptance of both the Declaration of Independence and the US Constitution. Yet still, standing in the halls, waiting for the tour to begin, I still did not believe that I was a part of the “we the people”. I knew that it was not intended for me, descendent of slaves.
What I know now is the transformative power of these documents. What I know now is the feeling that people around the world have felt when they used the founding articles of the American democracy to break their own shackles of oppression. What I know now is that through the legacy of ancestors, abolitionists, civil rights activists, and everyday Americans who gave up or gave in a little to make way for me and all the opportunities that await these living generations, I am empowered and have won the right to be “we the people” as much as any landowning white American male.
After the 2000 presidential campaign which was the first in which I had ever cast a ballot, I felt totally powerless and disenfranchised. My vote did not seem to count. Well, I took another stab at it and with my husband and 11 year old daughter, voted for Barack Obama yesterday and my voice was heard, along with the same cry and yearning of millions of Americans of all races, ethnicities, classes, religions, genders, and sexual orientations.
The road ahead is not an easy one. The change we expect will not come fast, and may even take longer than we think. But now, we have the tools, we have not just the political, but I believe the spiritual will to be the country we were founded to be. This spiritual component rings true because the transformation we seek in policy and programs has first to be motivated by the transformation in the hearts of Americans. The dross of vain imaginings and the dust of selfishness are being swept away. Fundamentally, I see this as a reawakening of the spiritual nature of America, founded on the need to be able to worship God in the many ways we see fit.
There is an acknowledgement, a stirring in the souls of America that has been dormant for some time, but wants to strive for the justice and equality that means the oneness of humanity and that we are all loved by God. Not just Americans, but our brothers and sisters north, south, east and west of us across the world. We are one and yes we can live to make the oneness of humanity a reality.
As a Baha’i, the basic tenets of my faith are the oneness of humanity and the oneness of God. While I live personally by this belief, I have struggled to believe in the vision of America as a bringer of peace and unity. This is not the victory, this is not the end, but only the beginning, the chance to regain solid footing in creating a more perfect union. Yet, now I can throw off that disbelief and know that I will live with this hope sprung up and pouring out all of my days.
Prayer for America
O Thou kind Lord! This gathering is turning to Thee. These hearts are radiant with Thy love. These minds and spirits are exhilarated by the message of Thy glad-tidings. O God! Let this American democracy become glorious in spiritual degrees even as it has aspired to material degrees, and render this just government victorious. Confirm this revered nation to upraise the standard of the oneness of humanity, to promulgate the Most Great Peace, to become thereby most glorious and praiseworthy among all the nations of the world. O God! This American nation is worthy of Thy favors and is deserving of Thy mercy. Make it precious and near to Thee through Thy bounty and bestowal.
- Abdu’l-Baha
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Embracing the Baha'i Faith
I haven't found the words to say this, but I believe this woman who is a new Baha'i has said it just as well as I've heard anyone say it. Check it out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7dFpZHHlOg
For more information about the Baha'i Faith, visit http://www.bahai.us/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7dFpZHHlOg
For more information about the Baha'i Faith, visit http://www.bahai.us/
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Make New Friends
After sitting at my computer for about an hour doing work, I decided that I'd had enough. I got up, took a shower, got dressed, and decided to go out. My objectives: make a cash withdrawal from the bank, buy orange juice and Ralph's cereal from Trader Joe's, and have lunch at the local Indian restaurant.
Well, I accomplished my goals. What is exciting about all this is what I did not plan - to have a conversation with the Roman Catholic Indian waiter at the restaurant and make a new friend. Khegi (sp?) asked me about the book I was reading while I ate. It's The Story of B by Daniel Quinn. The restaurant wasn't busy, so I guess Khegi had time on his hands. He asked me what the book was about.
My summary was that it is the sequal to a book entitled Ishmael that basically reveals humanity's foil 10,000 years ago at the time of the Agricultural Revolution. A new culture arose and became dominant - takers, our culture which wages war against the rest of creation for the purpose of food production. Leavers are those who continue to live in the way humanity has lived for 3 million years, since we first evolved, without waging war on the rest of creation.
Well, Khegi was interested in the book and pessimistic about humanity's ability to really learn to change our pattern of life.
"Do you work?" Khegi asked.
"No," I replied.
"Well do you study?" he followed, to which I again answered no. Khegi looked puzzled and I explained that I worked part-time from home.
"Are you married?"
"Yes."
"Do you have children?"
"Yes, a daughter."
"So how come you don't work?" Khegi came back to it. I explained that I wanted to have more time with my daughter at home, that my mother lives 30 miles south, and we don't have other family members nearby, so I need to be available to my daughter. Khegi then asked about friends.
"Friends? In Delaware?", I asked hestitantly. "No, I don't really have many of those either." And then I remembered and said, "Well, there is my religious community. I'm a Baha'i."
Khegi hadn't heard of the Baha'i faith before, so I explained that Baha'is believe that there is one God, and that the world's major religious teachers all revealed messages from God. I told him that Baha'is believe that Baha'u'llah came to bring a new message to humanity to bring us all together.
"So you believe that all people are one?" Khegi asked. "Yes, I do."
"That's good. Most people think Muslim, Christian are all different and separate. But there is only one God, " Khegi continued. I agreed with him.
From here, Khegi extended his hand, told me his name, and said that he was my friend. So, I've promised to go back to the restaurant to talk with Khegi again and to bring him some information about the Baha'i Temple in India.
At various social events, I meet new people and sometimes have interesting conversations with them. This happens on a regular basis. But never, never has one of these minglings turned into an offer of friendship. I am excited to have met Khegi. A friendship formed because of a common belief - there is only one God and He loves us all. The beauty of humanity doesn't get any better than this.
Well, I accomplished my goals. What is exciting about all this is what I did not plan - to have a conversation with the Roman Catholic Indian waiter at the restaurant and make a new friend. Khegi (sp?) asked me about the book I was reading while I ate. It's The Story of B by Daniel Quinn. The restaurant wasn't busy, so I guess Khegi had time on his hands. He asked me what the book was about.
My summary was that it is the sequal to a book entitled Ishmael that basically reveals humanity's foil 10,000 years ago at the time of the Agricultural Revolution. A new culture arose and became dominant - takers, our culture which wages war against the rest of creation for the purpose of food production. Leavers are those who continue to live in the way humanity has lived for 3 million years, since we first evolved, without waging war on the rest of creation.
Well, Khegi was interested in the book and pessimistic about humanity's ability to really learn to change our pattern of life.
"Do you work?" Khegi asked.
"No," I replied.
"Well do you study?" he followed, to which I again answered no. Khegi looked puzzled and I explained that I worked part-time from home.
"Are you married?"
"Yes."
"Do you have children?"
"Yes, a daughter."
"So how come you don't work?" Khegi came back to it. I explained that I wanted to have more time with my daughter at home, that my mother lives 30 miles south, and we don't have other family members nearby, so I need to be available to my daughter. Khegi then asked about friends.
"Friends? In Delaware?", I asked hestitantly. "No, I don't really have many of those either." And then I remembered and said, "Well, there is my religious community. I'm a Baha'i."
Khegi hadn't heard of the Baha'i faith before, so I explained that Baha'is believe that there is one God, and that the world's major religious teachers all revealed messages from God. I told him that Baha'is believe that Baha'u'llah came to bring a new message to humanity to bring us all together.
"So you believe that all people are one?" Khegi asked. "Yes, I do."
"That's good. Most people think Muslim, Christian are all different and separate. But there is only one God, " Khegi continued. I agreed with him.
From here, Khegi extended his hand, told me his name, and said that he was my friend. So, I've promised to go back to the restaurant to talk with Khegi again and to bring him some information about the Baha'i Temple in India.
At various social events, I meet new people and sometimes have interesting conversations with them. This happens on a regular basis. But never, never has one of these minglings turned into an offer of friendship. I am excited to have met Khegi. A friendship formed because of a common belief - there is only one God and He loves us all. The beauty of humanity doesn't get any better than this.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Gettin' the Boot
Well, my time is almost up. It has been confirmed that my contract at my current job will not be extended beyond October. My days are numbered, and for some reason when my boss told me, I felt like she was firing me!
I guess it's been five years at one place - you get comfortable. I know the ins and outs, whether I like them or not. I am glad that this time is come. After all, I set it in motion. What are the next steps?
Search for a part-time job. If anyone is aware of opportunities, please share with me. I'm pretty flexible about what I'm looking for - but only weekdays between 8 a.m. and 2:30 p.m. - gotta be home when Bri gets back from school.
This is it! It's really happening! I'm about to really be flyin' the coop.
I guess it's been five years at one place - you get comfortable. I know the ins and outs, whether I like them or not. I am glad that this time is come. After all, I set it in motion. What are the next steps?
Search for a part-time job. If anyone is aware of opportunities, please share with me. I'm pretty flexible about what I'm looking for - but only weekdays between 8 a.m. and 2:30 p.m. - gotta be home when Bri gets back from school.
This is it! It's really happening! I'm about to really be flyin' the coop.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Decision Time
I keep thinking that I'm not sure why I'm doing this blog, and then I get an e-mail from someone that says they like it, are learning something or feel motivated, so I guess I'm gonna keep at it. Thanks for checking in on me!
But sometimes , I don't know how honest I am always being here. I try not to sound too vulnerable, confused, and generally lost, although I often feel that way. I try to write when I know that I have processed a thought long enough, and feel safe enough to have it judged, read, evaluated, or otherwise taken in by someone other than Ralph, who lovingly endures so much of my thought processing. These writings are not raw, and sometimes I feel like I really do want to share the raw stuff. It's hard to navigate, so I'm just going to try to open up a little bit more - slowly, gently, trustingly.
In the meantime, we have made a few decisions since I've started "transitioning to me".
1) I can continue to work part-time (at a minimum earning enough to cover the cost of adding me and Briana to Ralph's health insurance) until Briana is finished with sixth grade.
2) We are going to move to the Philadelphia area late next summer when our current lease is up (if you can recommend neighborhoods and/or a realtor, please share!).
3) We are going to look at Independent School options for Briana in Philly (again, recommendations for these or other schools to investigate are most welcome).
These decisions have - well, specifically the one about moving to Philly - not come easily. When we told Briana, she said something like, "You guys are gonna feel bad when I get shot coming home from school. It will be your fault!" OMG!!! What are we doing?!
Her fear is based on so many Philly and other big city transplants to Delaware, namely her middle school friends and associates, who apparently have convinced her of the dangers apparent to living in the city. Safety and quality of education are truly my two biggest concerns about the move, with cost of living coming in third. But, Ralph really misses his friends, is getting tired of the commute to and from work, and wants to be "home". I can understand that, so compromise it is.
We have a year of planning and looking ahead. It's kind of exciting to think of starting over somewhere. Being in my apartment in DE for these last four years is the longest stint of stability I've had since Briana was born and I am a little scared of change. We moved around a lot, and then we found and made home. I'm proud of that.
Now the time to move on is approaching again. Things don't stay the same forever. This whole approach to life - planning, dreaming, preparing - is relatively new to me. I keep thinking it's still all going to fall apart and I'll be back on my hustle any day now.
Well, in the meantime, I'm going with the flow.
But sometimes , I don't know how honest I am always being here. I try not to sound too vulnerable, confused, and generally lost, although I often feel that way. I try to write when I know that I have processed a thought long enough, and feel safe enough to have it judged, read, evaluated, or otherwise taken in by someone other than Ralph, who lovingly endures so much of my thought processing. These writings are not raw, and sometimes I feel like I really do want to share the raw stuff. It's hard to navigate, so I'm just going to try to open up a little bit more - slowly, gently, trustingly.
In the meantime, we have made a few decisions since I've started "transitioning to me".
1) I can continue to work part-time (at a minimum earning enough to cover the cost of adding me and Briana to Ralph's health insurance) until Briana is finished with sixth grade.
2) We are going to move to the Philadelphia area late next summer when our current lease is up (if you can recommend neighborhoods and/or a realtor, please share!).
3) We are going to look at Independent School options for Briana in Philly (again, recommendations for these or other schools to investigate are most welcome).
These decisions have - well, specifically the one about moving to Philly - not come easily. When we told Briana, she said something like, "You guys are gonna feel bad when I get shot coming home from school. It will be your fault!" OMG!!! What are we doing?!
Her fear is based on so many Philly and other big city transplants to Delaware, namely her middle school friends and associates, who apparently have convinced her of the dangers apparent to living in the city. Safety and quality of education are truly my two biggest concerns about the move, with cost of living coming in third. But, Ralph really misses his friends, is getting tired of the commute to and from work, and wants to be "home". I can understand that, so compromise it is.
We have a year of planning and looking ahead. It's kind of exciting to think of starting over somewhere. Being in my apartment in DE for these last four years is the longest stint of stability I've had since Briana was born and I am a little scared of change. We moved around a lot, and then we found and made home. I'm proud of that.
Now the time to move on is approaching again. Things don't stay the same forever. This whole approach to life - planning, dreaming, preparing - is relatively new to me. I keep thinking it's still all going to fall apart and I'll be back on my hustle any day now.
Well, in the meantime, I'm going with the flow.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Dreaming Just Big Enough
Ralph and I have been engaged in very tedious and detailed discussions of late about what we want our life together to be like. We have been talking about individual wants, goals, and desires, as well as about what we would like to accomplish together for our family.
Over the last few weeks, I realize that I have been learning something about this whole transition to me thing. Mainly, that it's not all about me. With a child and a husband, I realize that I can dream big, but maybe not all the way big.
Do you remember the movie with Billy Bob Thornton, "The Astronaut Farmer"? Well, Thornton's character at one time was in training to be a NASA astronaut, but because of family issues, basically dropped out of the program, took over his father's farm, and was raising kids with his wife. However, he still had the dream and passion that motivated him to become an astronaut, so he built (along with help from what must have been his exceptionally bright teenage son) a rocket in his barn. He had all the support of his family, and had even rallied support from the folks in his town. It was a big deal that he didn't give up on his dream, even though it put his family in debt and nearly killed him. It was all the stuff movies are made of - go after your dreams, convince others that your dream is big enough to become their own too so that they will support you, and never give up, even if you hurt those you love because they will always forgive you and give you another chance.
I guess for some people, some dreams are worth having. Well, I don't have a dream that big, and I don't want a dream that is big enough to potentially destroy my family. I don't mind dreaming in such a way that may require members of my family to make sacrifices, as I am willing to sacrifice for their dreams too. I just know that asking Ralph to give me space to do the Peace Corp or become a foreign diplomat wouldn't enhance our relationship, no matter how much I may want to travel internationally. I know that he is deeply rooted in his community of family and friends and that a drastic move like that would be more than too much. So, I would have to settle with being a tourist and hoping to save enough money over the years for us to travel abroad.
I am on my way somewhere, and I don't want to go alone. I want my family to come with me, and to be content with the process it takes to get there. We are learning to work on that as we dream.
Over the last few weeks, I realize that I have been learning something about this whole transition to me thing. Mainly, that it's not all about me. With a child and a husband, I realize that I can dream big, but maybe not all the way big.
Do you remember the movie with Billy Bob Thornton, "The Astronaut Farmer"? Well, Thornton's character at one time was in training to be a NASA astronaut, but because of family issues, basically dropped out of the program, took over his father's farm, and was raising kids with his wife. However, he still had the dream and passion that motivated him to become an astronaut, so he built (along with help from what must have been his exceptionally bright teenage son) a rocket in his barn. He had all the support of his family, and had even rallied support from the folks in his town. It was a big deal that he didn't give up on his dream, even though it put his family in debt and nearly killed him. It was all the stuff movies are made of - go after your dreams, convince others that your dream is big enough to become their own too so that they will support you, and never give up, even if you hurt those you love because they will always forgive you and give you another chance.
I guess for some people, some dreams are worth having. Well, I don't have a dream that big, and I don't want a dream that is big enough to potentially destroy my family. I don't mind dreaming in such a way that may require members of my family to make sacrifices, as I am willing to sacrifice for their dreams too. I just know that asking Ralph to give me space to do the Peace Corp or become a foreign diplomat wouldn't enhance our relationship, no matter how much I may want to travel internationally. I know that he is deeply rooted in his community of family and friends and that a drastic move like that would be more than too much. So, I would have to settle with being a tourist and hoping to save enough money over the years for us to travel abroad.
I am on my way somewhere, and I don't want to go alone. I want my family to come with me, and to be content with the process it takes to get there. We are learning to work on that as we dream.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Morning Pages
I have a secret to share. Last year some time, I bought this book called The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. An exercise in the book, morning pages, is saving my life. It provides me an opportunity to be thoughtful and kind to myself, reflective and honest. Since I started this whole "transition", I've been attempting to keep up with my morning pages.
Okay, so what are morning pages? Author Julia Cameron writes that:
1) morning pages are three pages of longhand writing, strictly stream-of-consciousness
2) morning pages will teach you that your mood doesn't matter (you're supposed to write them everyday regardless of how you feel)
3) morning pages will teach you to stop judging and just let yourself write
4) morning pages do get us to the other side: the other side of our fear, of our negativity, of our moods
I have not finished the book or even gotten past the first chapter. I think God wanted me to have morning pages. This writing is my meditation; it is the doorway to my soul. It is where I pour out my confusion, my angst, my lament, my possibility, and my hope for a better me. Ultimately, I think that my morning pages are my most earnest prayers. I love my morning pages and and they are helping me to love me.
I'd like to know about your routine that helps you love you. Please share by leaving a comment!
Image by http://karenswhimsy.com/public-domain-images/
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