Morning Pages

I have a secret to share. Last year some time, I bought this book called The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. An exercise in the book, morning pages, is saving my life. It provides me an opportunity to be thoughtful and kind to myself, reflective and honest. Since I started this whole "transition", I've been attempting to keep up with my morning pages.

Okay, so what are morning pages? Author Julia Cameron writes that:

1) morning pages are three pages of longhand writing, strictly stream-of-consciousness
2) morning pages will teach you that your mood doesn't matter (you're supposed to write them everyday regardless of how you feel)
3) morning pages will teach you to stop judging and just let yourself write
4) morning pages do get us to the other side: the other side of our fear, of our negativity, of our moods

I have not finished the book or even gotten past the first chapter. I think God wanted me to have morning pages. This writing is my meditation; it is the doorway to my soul. It is where I pour out my confusion, my angst, my lament, my possibility, and my hope for a better me. Ultimately, I think that my morning pages are my most earnest prayers. I love my morning pages and and they are helping me to love me.

I'd like to know about your routine that helps you love you. Please share by leaving a comment!

Image by http://karenswhimsy.com/public-domain-images/

Humdrums

Well, I am struggling to figure out what to write here. Days have just been passing by without much intent or purpose to them. I've been getting up and helping Ralph and Briana get ready for the day, doing work from home (usually 3-4 hours a day), and that's really the only consistency I've had. There have been a few doctor's appointments between me and Briana to break up the day too, but nothing much else going on.

Of course this lack of "focus" or "purpose" is driving me crazy. In an effort to escape too much time alone I am developing the habit of taking naps once everyone is out of the house, usually by 8 a.m. I'll sleep until 10 a.m., get up, do work, watch a movie or straighten up the kitchen, and what do you know, Briana's home.

If this is practicing "just being", then I don't like it. Maybe I'm not doing it right. Days are running past me so fast and I feel like I should be doing more. But what? I don't know exactly.

I think I'm going to start adding some more structure to "just being". I'm going to schedule some activities to do for fun:

• reading
  
• crocheting
  
• going to the park

At least I know I like doing those three things.

Back to School Lessons

Today is Briana's first day of school. She is going to sixth grade. On Tuesday we went to her school for an ice cream social where we met her teacher, and where Briana saw many of her friends for the first time since the end of the last school year. Ralph and I walked the school halls chatting with parents and visiting with Briana's old teachers.

Yesterday Briana and I spent the afternoon shopping for school supplies, clothes, and shoes. We had a good time together. This morning, I made breakfast for Ralph and Briana, drove Ralph to the train station and returned home to put Briana's locks in a ponytail (she rolled her hair last night, so she has all of these beautiful curls!!)

Home alone, it hits me that my little girl is entering a new world. There are eleven year old girls in her grade that wear high heel shoes and make up. There are boys and girls "going out" and "breaking up" every few weeks. There are budding bodies and cruising hormones all over! AAHHH!!!!

But, I think Briana will be okay. She's a smart girl and I believe that she is grounded. Last night before bed, Ralph suggested that we pick our virtue cards for the week. We haven't done it in a while, and with Briana starting school, this seemed like a perfect time to reintroduce this old habit of ours.

We have these cards that each have a virtue on it with it's meaning, ways to know when you are practicing it, and an affirmation. From the deck, each of us randomly picked a card and held onto it until everyone had a card. One by one, we read the card. Once we finished, we had the challenge of figuring out how we would practice our virtue this week.

I picked first and my virtue was trust. For several minutes I found it difficult to think of a way to practice it. My eyes welled with tears when I read the card because I knew I had so much fear in me blocking my ability to trust. They would have to come back to me.

Ralph's virtue for the week is confidence. He was able to relate his need to practice confidence to an upcoming meeting he will have at work on Friday. Briana's virtue is orderliness. How appropriate. She is ready to remember to put her keys away (she'll be walking back and forth from home to school) and to keep up with her books since she has to change classrooms for various classes this year.

So back to me. As I struggled to think of someway to exercise trust, Briana piped up. "Mommy, you can practice trusting in other people," she shared. How right she was. "You can also trust that I will do well in school this year." I needed to hear that, but from her, it meant so much more. So my practice in trust this week is about trusting in my family and that things will be okay.

And in trusting, before leaving for school this morning, Briana and I said prayers together. I asked her what she wanted God to help her with. She said that she wanted help with getting through the first day of school. So, she found a prayer for aid and assistance. Don't we all need it? After she read it, we discussed its meaning - including detachment and trusting in God.

I can't wait for her to get home so that we can talk about the lessons she learned on the first day of school!

Black Women's Art Festival - Writing Workshop

Yesterday my friend Melissa and I attended a writing workshop entitled "Spark the Pen: Finding and Honoring Your Creative Voice," that was facilitated by children's fiction writer, Tonya C. Hegamin. This program was featured as a part of the 5th Annual Black Women's Arts Festival taking place through Sunday.

The first thing I will say about attending the workshop is that it was a blessing, right on time. With only 3 participants, intimacy, spirituality, and love permeated West Philly's Rotunda.

As I am writing now, I am flooded with emotions about this experience. However, I don't want to go into what I feel; I want to share what I learned.

Rights
Focused on deep breathing exercises for centering and regaining intention, our mantra was I have the right to be creative. Who thinks they have that right? Don't we view taking time for ourselves, expressing ourselves as a privilege? I never imagined being entitled to my creativity and much less to using it. Now I do.

Practice
Tonya, an established writer, said it. I don't have to beat myself up for stumbling in my practice. She admitted to not always being a disciplined writer. The alternative to self-degradation when there is a misstep, nurture. A practice is to be nurtured, guided, and gently massaged into habit.

Intention
Tonya asked that we write about our intentions. I wrote that thinking about intentions is scary, because it connotates commitment to me, and I am sometimes afraid of this too. However, by the end of the exercise, I came up with a list of intentions to anchor me in my transition.

1) I intend to face, go into, through, and out the other side of my fears

2) I intend to relax and enjoy myself

3) I intend to discover how to fully express my existence in a manner that not only fulfills me, but benefits others

4) I intend to write about my journey for the sake of my own voice

5) I intend to practice patience, being present, and forgiving toward myself

6) I intend to be involved with me and to mine my own gems

7) I intend to discover and sustain peaceful and simple living

8) I intend to love myself enough to learn myself

9) I intend to flow

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