Trying Not To Panic

Over this past weekend, after several fun-filled days with Briana and Naomi were done, I began to panic. I only worked 11 hours last week, not the 20 Ralph and I agreed to. I didn't say obligatory prayers everyday, and I still didn't know what I want to do with my life. Sadness settled around me like the haze of humidity already in the air today. I felt like I had already failed myself.

This is the thing about me. I like to know what is going to happen, if possible when, so that I can make a plan. I have to have a plan. I am most uncomfortable floating around in possibility. It drives me crazy.

For weeks now Ralph has been telling me that I should just chillax, watch movies on Netflix, go to the park, put together our honeymoon photo album, better yet, get started on our wedding scrapbook. He has been encouraging me to have fun and spend some time enjoying the space I have. But I've been reluctant to saturate myself in good feelings, lest disappointment meet me unexpectedly.

Okay, so I don't want to panic anymore. I do want to enjoy my time, value it, and use it constructively. How am I going to do that without feeling afraid of what I don't know or at least finding successful ways to abate the fear? How can I walk securely in this recession economy, knowing that I just halved our family's income? How can I not be riddled with guilt for deciding it's okay for Jamila to take care of herself? While the self-doubt is chirping away, I am also trying to be proactive by developing a time line that will be a four-phase plan to getting me to making a decision about what to do with my life. I'll share more about that later. In the meantime, any strategies or encouraging words are welcome!

Me and the Girls - Pie Day

What a day! This being my first week working from home, I've had a couple of interesting distractions - namely Briana and Naomi. They haven't really been distractions though. Both girls have made breakfast for themselves, made birthday cards to give to a friend at a party tomorrow, and even have made lunch for all of us the last two days. Yesterday Briana and I took Naomi to our "summerhouse" at Rockwood Park. It's really a historic home turned museum with about 80 acres of sprawling lawn and wooded trails less than 10 minutes from home. But, we hardly ever see other people when we are there, so we pretend that it's our personal getaway.

Honestly, I did feel somewhat distressed about what the week was going to be like with the girls. Plus, the maintenance guy, Mike, from my apartment complex has been in and out of the apartment everyday this week for some various repairs. Multitasking has taken on a new face while working from home.

In the office, multitasking meant juggling tasks related to way too many projects going on all at once; being called in for a brainstorming session with my boss; delegating tasks and explaining programs or correcting behavior of my assistants. Multitasking at home has meant refreshing my e-mail box every quarter hour; trying to stay out of disputes between the girls (unless I imagine blood was flowing, I try to let them work it out on their own); answering the door for Mike and then his various questions; and yelling "no!!" to the girls' constant plea, "Are you done working yet?"

Well, I've only managed to get 3 hours of work done today and spent the last hour playing Skipbo (a card game) with the girls, while listening to Jordin Sparks radio on pandora.com. BTW, Jordine Sparks radio is what Briana named the station that has the music she likes - everything pop, Miley Cyrus, Chris Brown, Rihanna, etc.

While playing Skipbo, me and the girls made fun of silly song lyrics, the lilts (or lack of creative expression) in how a singer's command of their soon to be one hit wonder, and then... farting. They love talking about farting for some reason. Nonetheless, I laughed so hard with them. I was close to tears several times and am sure my abs will be sore later. Good times....

But, the girls are leaving me this evening. They'll be going to my mother's in time for the birthday party tomorrow. I'll miss them and feel a little anxious about tomorrow, since for the first time I'll really be home alone. I am grateful to have had this week with them. They are really wonderful human beings - full of humor, generosity, compassion, and intelligence.

They don't know how much I really like them. I told them, but I don't think they really get it. They are awesome!

On to the next thing

Today is the first official day of my "underemployment". Last week Ralph and I spent vacation time with Briana (my daughter,11), Joseph (my brother, 17 next month), and Naomi (my sister, also 11) at the beach (watch out for those waves in Rehoboth), bowling, and at Baltimore Harbor. It was great spending time with family, especially the young ones. It helped ground me and reminded me of what I value most - family and friends.

This past weekend was also really great. Ralph and I spent time at a beautiful wedding amongst friends and had a really fun time. I think I am starting to conquer some of my social anxiety by learning to be present, in the moment, and just letting things come as they will.

As for today and this week, I'll be spending time at home with Briana and Naomi. We are getting ready to head out to the library to check out some books and movies. What else is on my plate this week? Well, I am actually staying on at my job through the end of September part-time (20 hours a week, mostly from home). This week will mark the beginning of the transition to part-time work. I'm looking forward to it.

As of now, I just feel happy. I'm happy to have supportive friends and a loving family. I'm happy to have my health and mental well-being. I'm happy to have my Faith. I'm happy to have myself in transition.

What Do You Do?

When people ask the question, “So, what do you do,” what do they mean by that? I stumble at times to come up with the right answer. I have to think about it like a list of bulleted points that define my time and life, try to prioritize them, and then come up with an answer that usually refers to a title of some kind. “Oh, I’m a program coordinator.” That’s the answer.

I coordinate play dates for my daughter; forums and professional advancement activities for cancer researchers; spiritual education classes for children; conferences for young adults; artistic programs for my religious community; dinner menus, family celebrations, and weekend getaways.

I have been a professional coordinator, spending time assisting the development and implementation of programs for minorities, women, high school and undergraduate students interested in or who are pursuing careers in cancer research. This is my nine to five.

My daughter's character development is one of the most important things to me. For her to be tolerant, generous, humble, confident, happy, and responsible are among the best attributes anyone can possess. I don’t want this for my child only. I think these are things all human beings should learn. But I can’t teach this to everyone, so I have coordinated and taught Sunday morning classes about spiritual and character education to elementary school children at my home.

Aren’t we all coordinating and developing goals and objectives to create a program for our lives? I can't seem to get out of the realm of coordinating. However, no matter what I do, or who I become, my mission in life will be to use this knack for coordinating to help other people.

I feel fortunate that I have been able to do so through my profession working in nonprofit administration. I am happy knowing that I’ve helped homeless men and women, recovering drug addicts and alcoholics, minorities, women and students pursuing careers in cancer research, and autistic children by coordinating programs and activities that have provided material, professional, and spiritual development.

There are so many ways to serve humanity. We do it by nurturing and caring for our families and relationships with friends; we do it by volunteering in our religious communities or at the local food bank. As I wander this road looking for what to do next, I hope to remember I hope not to get stuck by defining myself as a coordinator, but that I will continue to seek ways to serve humanity utilizing other talents and gifts.

Letting Go of the Past

This may sound a bit nauseating, so please skip the next paragraph if you don’t like thinking about pimples and/or have a weak stomach. This is about a dream…


Last week I had this recurring dream about popping pimples (I remember that one was on my upper lip) and that when I did so, in addition to the usual gush of fluids, there was a long stream of black stuff coming out. So, I turned to a dream dictionary to find out what this means.


Well, the consensus is that I have some negative emotional baggage that I need to release, because if I don’t, these emotions are going to erupt, I presume in an unhealthy way. So what is going on inside of me that needs to be released? What am I holding on to that should be let go?


I, like many other people, have issues from my past that probably haven’t been properly addressed; there may be some people I need to forgive, some pains I need to learn how to heal. I often reminisce about the past and think of many experiences as having been the best in my life, and others as the worse. So what steps need to be taken to move out of the past and into the present? How do we let go of stuff we’ve held onto for so long that we believe it defines us?


As you see from my blog profile, I like self-help books. I also like self-help on the Internet. I googled “How to Let Go of Your Past” and found some interesting results. I hope some of these will be helpful to others. I’ll keep you posted on my journey to uncover what’s locked inside and will share methodology I may use to keep letting go.


If you have tried to let go of some things and succeeded, please consider sharing how you did it by posting a comment. Are you stuck in a rut too? Consider sharing what steps you will take to move through to the other side.

Let Go of Regret and Guilt

Six Steps to Letting Go of Your Past

Positive Attitude Quotes