Election 2008 for a Black American Woman

I don’t know quite what to do with myself today. It is the day after the presidential election and Barack Obama has won. I am home alone this morning stuck to msnbc.com watching live video of post-election coverage and well-up with tears each time a video clip comes on from Obama’s victory speech last night. Here it is again, “The road may be long, the climb steep….I promise you, we as a people will get there.” I believe him.

I have never believed in someone like this. Okay, my husband I believe, but throughout my life, I’ve never really given my trust to anyone. Yet, in this moment, I believe in Barack Obama, and he has made me, for the first time in my life, believe in the United States of America.

As a black woman living in a small city in Delaware, I feel my color in the hallways of my daughter’s school, when I’m pumping gas at Wawa, or shopping for groceries at Trader Joe’s. I feel like someone who doesn’t quite belong, but is allowed to exist, mostly unharmed, with the distinct knowledge that this is not my place, that the United States is not something I belong to, but just something I benefit from. Well, for the first time in my 31 ½ years, I feel like and believe that I too, am an American.

I was one of those folks watching the campaign hoping that Obama would win, but with total disbelief in the progressiveness and readiness of the American people to rock the boat. I prepared myself to continue my participation in American life on the margins, amongst people whose voices, vision, and desires are misunderstood when heard and often silenced by the dominating political activity that has shaped our country until this moment.

There have been breaks in the status quo, of course. Lincoln with the Emancipation Proclamation, FDR and the New Deal, JFK and his charismatic ability to make Americans believe in its promise, and Lyndon Johnson for passing the so important Civil Rights and Voting Acts bills. But it seems that America has turned back to business as usual each time. Clearly, I was not alive to have experienced any of these presidential anomalies, but my life as a double negative minority has been shaped by the hope and possibility that these presidencies bestowed on America.

Now, on this day, November 5th, 2008, I believe that I have a country to live for, to fight for, and to love. I recently took a friend from India to Philadelphia to tour Independence Park and the halls in which the birth of the United States took place with the writing, refining, and acceptance of both the Declaration of Independence and the US Constitution. Yet still, standing in the halls, waiting for the tour to begin, I still did not believe that I was a part of the “we the people”. I knew that it was not intended for me, descendent of slaves.

What I know now is the transformative power of these documents. What I know now is the feeling that people around the world have felt when they used the founding articles of the American democracy to break their own shackles of oppression. What I know now is that through the legacy of ancestors, abolitionists, civil rights activists, and everyday Americans who gave up or gave in a little to make way for me and all the opportunities that await these living generations, I am empowered and have won the right to be “we the people” as much as any landowning white American male.

After the 2000 presidential campaign which was the first in which I had ever cast a ballot, I felt totally powerless and disenfranchised. My vote did not seem to count. Well, I took another stab at it and with my husband and 11 year old daughter, voted for Barack Obama yesterday and my voice was heard, along with the same cry and yearning of millions of Americans of all races, ethnicities, classes, religions, genders, and sexual orientations.

The road ahead is not an easy one. The change we expect will not come fast, and may even take longer than we think. But now, we have the tools, we have not just the political, but I believe the spiritual will to be the country we were founded to be. This spiritual component rings true because the transformation we seek in policy and programs has first to be motivated by the transformation in the hearts of Americans. The dross of vain imaginings and the dust of selfishness are being swept away. Fundamentally, I see this as a reawakening of the spiritual nature of America, founded on the need to be able to worship God in the many ways we see fit.

There is an acknowledgement, a stirring in the souls of America that has been dormant for some time, but wants to strive for the justice and equality that means the oneness of humanity and that we are all loved by God. Not just Americans, but our brothers and sisters north, south, east and west of us across the world. We are one and yes we can live to make the oneness of humanity a reality.

As a Baha’i, the basic tenets of my faith are the oneness of humanity and the oneness of God. While I live personally by this belief, I have struggled to believe in the vision of America as a bringer of peace and unity. This is not the victory, this is not the end, but only the beginning, the chance to regain solid footing in creating a more perfect union. Yet, now I can throw off that disbelief and know that I will live with this hope sprung up and pouring out all of my days.

Prayer for America

O Thou kind Lord! This gathering is turning to Thee. These hearts are radiant with Thy love. These minds and spirits are exhilarated by the message of Thy glad-tidings. O God! Let this American democracy become glorious in spiritual degrees even as it has aspired to material degrees, and render this just government victorious. Confirm this revered nation to upraise the standard of the oneness of humanity, to promulgate the Most Great Peace, to become thereby most glorious and praiseworthy among all the nations of the world. O God! This American nation is worthy of Thy favors and is deserving of Thy mercy. Make it precious and near to Thee through Thy bounty and bestowal.
- Abdu’l-Baha

Embracing the Baha'i Faith

I haven't found the words to say this, but I believe this woman who is a new Baha'i has said it just as well as I've heard anyone say it. Check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7dFpZHHlOg

For more information about the Baha'i Faith, visit http://www.bahai.us/

Make New Friends

After sitting at my computer for about an hour doing work, I decided that I'd had enough. I got up, took a shower, got dressed, and decided to go out. My objectives: make a cash withdrawal from the bank, buy orange juice and Ralph's cereal from Trader Joe's, and have lunch at the local Indian restaurant.

Well, I accomplished my goals. What is exciting about all this is what I did not plan - to have a conversation with the Roman Catholic Indian waiter at the restaurant and make a new friend. Khegi (sp?) asked me about the book I was reading while I ate. It's The Story of B by Daniel Quinn. The restaurant wasn't busy, so I guess Khegi had time on his hands. He asked me what the book was about.

My summary was that it is the sequal to a book entitled Ishmael that basically reveals humanity's foil 10,000 years ago at the time of the Agricultural Revolution. A new culture arose and became dominant - takers, our culture which wages war against the rest of creation for the purpose of food production. Leavers are those who continue to live in the way humanity has lived for 3 million years, since we first evolved, without waging war on the rest of creation.

Well, Khegi was interested in the book and pessimistic about humanity's ability to really learn to change our pattern of life.

"Do you work?" Khegi asked.

"No," I replied.

"Well do you study?" he followed, to which I again answered no. Khegi looked puzzled and I explained that I worked part-time from home.

"Are you married?"

"Yes."

"Do you have children?"

"Yes, a daughter."

"So how come you don't work?" Khegi came back to it. I explained that I wanted to have more time with my daughter at home, that my mother lives 30 miles south, and we don't have other family members nearby, so I need to be available to my daughter. Khegi then asked about friends.

"Friends? In Delaware?", I asked hestitantly. "No, I don't really have many of those either." And then I remembered and said, "Well, there is my religious community. I'm a Baha'i."

Khegi hadn't heard of the Baha'i faith before, so I explained that Baha'is believe that there is one God, and that the world's major religious teachers all revealed messages from God. I told him that Baha'is believe that Baha'u'llah came to bring a new message to humanity to bring us all together.

"So you believe that all people are one?" Khegi asked. "Yes, I do."

"That's good. Most people think Muslim, Christian are all different and separate. But there is only one God, " Khegi continued. I agreed with him.

From here, Khegi extended his hand, told me his name, and said that he was my friend. So, I've promised to go back to the restaurant to talk with Khegi again and to bring him some information about the Baha'i Temple in India.

At various social events, I meet new people and sometimes have interesting conversations with them. This happens on a regular basis. But never, never has one of these minglings turned into an offer of friendship. I am excited to have met Khegi. A friendship formed because of a common belief - there is only one God and He loves us all. The beauty of humanity doesn't get any better than this.

Gettin' the Boot

Well, my time is almost up. It has been confirmed that my contract at my current job will not be extended beyond October. My days are numbered, and for some reason when my boss told me, I felt like she was firing me!

I guess it's been five years at one place - you get comfortable. I know the ins and outs, whether I like them or not. I am glad that this time is come. After all, I set it in motion. What are the next steps?

Search for a part-time job. If anyone is aware of opportunities, please share with me. I'm pretty flexible about what I'm looking for - but only weekdays between 8 a.m. and 2:30 p.m. - gotta be home when Bri gets back from school.

This is it! It's really happening! I'm about to really be flyin' the coop.

Decision Time

I keep thinking that I'm not sure why I'm doing this blog, and then I get an e-mail from someone that says they like it, are learning something or feel motivated, so I guess I'm gonna keep at it. Thanks for checking in on me!

But sometimes , I don't know how honest I am always being here. I try not to sound too vulnerable, confused, and generally lost, although I often feel that way. I try to write when I know that I have processed a thought long enough, and feel safe enough to have it judged, read, evaluated, or otherwise taken in by someone other than Ralph, who lovingly endures so much of my thought processing. These writings are not raw, and sometimes I feel like I really do want to share the raw stuff. It's hard to navigate, so I'm just going to try to open up a little bit more - slowly, gently, trustingly.

In the meantime, we have made a few decisions since I've started "transitioning to me".

1) I can continue to work part-time (at a minimum earning enough to cover the cost of adding me and Briana to Ralph's health insurance) until Briana is finished with sixth grade.

2) We are going to move to the Philadelphia area late next summer when our current lease is up (if you can recommend neighborhoods and/or a realtor, please share!).

3) We are going to look at Independent School options for Briana in Philly (again, recommendations for these or other schools to investigate are most welcome).

These decisions have - well, specifically the one about moving to Philly - not come easily. When we told Briana, she said something like, "You guys are gonna feel bad when I get shot coming home from school. It will be your fault!" OMG!!! What are we doing?!

Her fear is based on so many Philly and other big city transplants to Delaware, namely her middle school friends and associates, who apparently have convinced her of the dangers apparent to living in the city. Safety and quality of education are truly my two biggest concerns about the move, with cost of living coming in third. But, Ralph really misses his friends, is getting tired of the commute to and from work, and wants to be "home". I can understand that, so compromise it is.

We have a year of planning and looking ahead. It's kind of exciting to think of starting over somewhere. Being in my apartment in DE for these last four years is the longest stint of stability I've had since Briana was born and I am a little scared of change. We moved around a lot, and then we found and made home. I'm proud of that.

Now the time to move on is approaching again. Things don't stay the same forever. This whole approach to life - planning, dreaming, preparing - is relatively new to me. I keep thinking it's still all going to fall apart and I'll be back on my hustle any day now.

Well, in the meantime, I'm going with the flow.

Dreaming Just Big Enough

Ralph and I have been engaged in very tedious and detailed discussions of late about what we want our life together to be like. We have been talking about individual wants, goals, and desires, as well as about what we would like to accomplish together for our family.

Over the last few weeks, I realize that I have been learning something about this whole transition to me thing. Mainly, that it's not all about me. With a child and a husband, I realize that I can dream big, but maybe not all the way big.

Do you remember the movie with Billy Bob Thornton, "The Astronaut Farmer"? Well, Thornton's character at one time was in training to be a NASA astronaut, but because of family issues, basically dropped out of the program, took over his father's farm, and was raising kids with his wife. However, he still had the dream and passion that motivated him to become an astronaut, so he built (along with help from what must have been his exceptionally bright teenage son) a rocket in his barn. He had all the support of his family, and had even rallied support from the folks in his town. It was a big deal that he didn't give up on his dream, even though it put his family in debt and nearly killed him. It was all the stuff movies are made of - go after your dreams, convince others that your dream is big enough to become their own too so that they will support you, and never give up, even if you hurt those you love because they will always forgive you and give you another chance.

I guess for some people, some dreams are worth having. Well, I don't have a dream that big, and I don't want a dream that is big enough to potentially destroy my family. I don't mind dreaming in such a way that may require members of my family to make sacrifices, as I am willing to sacrifice for their dreams too. I just know that asking Ralph to give me space to do the Peace Corp or become a foreign diplomat wouldn't enhance our relationship, no matter how much I may want to travel internationally. I know that he is deeply rooted in his community of family and friends and that a drastic move like that would be more than too much. So, I would have to settle with being a tourist and hoping to save enough money over the years for us to travel abroad.

I am on my way somewhere, and I don't want to go alone. I want my family to come with me, and to be content with the process it takes to get there. We are learning to work on that as we dream.

Morning Pages

I have a secret to share. Last year some time, I bought this book called The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. An exercise in the book, morning pages, is saving my life. It provides me an opportunity to be thoughtful and kind to myself, reflective and honest. Since I started this whole "transition", I've been attempting to keep up with my morning pages.

Okay, so what are morning pages? Author Julia Cameron writes that:

1) morning pages are three pages of longhand writing, strictly stream-of-consciousness
2) morning pages will teach you that your mood doesn't matter (you're supposed to write them everyday regardless of how you feel)
3) morning pages will teach you to stop judging and just let yourself write
4) morning pages do get us to the other side: the other side of our fear, of our negativity, of our moods

I have not finished the book or even gotten past the first chapter. I think God wanted me to have morning pages. This writing is my meditation; it is the doorway to my soul. It is where I pour out my confusion, my angst, my lament, my possibility, and my hope for a better me. Ultimately, I think that my morning pages are my most earnest prayers. I love my morning pages and and they are helping me to love me.

I'd like to know about your routine that helps you love you. Please share by leaving a comment!

Image by http://karenswhimsy.com/public-domain-images/

Humdrums

Well, I am struggling to figure out what to write here. Days have just been passing by without much intent or purpose to them. I've been getting up and helping Ralph and Briana get ready for the day, doing work from home (usually 3-4 hours a day), and that's really the only consistency I've had. There have been a few doctor's appointments between me and Briana to break up the day too, but nothing much else going on.

Of course this lack of "focus" or "purpose" is driving me crazy. In an effort to escape too much time alone I am developing the habit of taking naps once everyone is out of the house, usually by 8 a.m. I'll sleep until 10 a.m., get up, do work, watch a movie or straighten up the kitchen, and what do you know, Briana's home.

If this is practicing "just being", then I don't like it. Maybe I'm not doing it right. Days are running past me so fast and I feel like I should be doing more. But what? I don't know exactly.

I think I'm going to start adding some more structure to "just being". I'm going to schedule some activities to do for fun:

• reading
  
• crocheting
  
• going to the park

At least I know I like doing those three things.

Back to School Lessons

Today is Briana's first day of school. She is going to sixth grade. On Tuesday we went to her school for an ice cream social where we met her teacher, and where Briana saw many of her friends for the first time since the end of the last school year. Ralph and I walked the school halls chatting with parents and visiting with Briana's old teachers.

Yesterday Briana and I spent the afternoon shopping for school supplies, clothes, and shoes. We had a good time together. This morning, I made breakfast for Ralph and Briana, drove Ralph to the train station and returned home to put Briana's locks in a ponytail (she rolled her hair last night, so she has all of these beautiful curls!!)

Home alone, it hits me that my little girl is entering a new world. There are eleven year old girls in her grade that wear high heel shoes and make up. There are boys and girls "going out" and "breaking up" every few weeks. There are budding bodies and cruising hormones all over! AAHHH!!!!

But, I think Briana will be okay. She's a smart girl and I believe that she is grounded. Last night before bed, Ralph suggested that we pick our virtue cards for the week. We haven't done it in a while, and with Briana starting school, this seemed like a perfect time to reintroduce this old habit of ours.

We have these cards that each have a virtue on it with it's meaning, ways to know when you are practicing it, and an affirmation. From the deck, each of us randomly picked a card and held onto it until everyone had a card. One by one, we read the card. Once we finished, we had the challenge of figuring out how we would practice our virtue this week.

I picked first and my virtue was trust. For several minutes I found it difficult to think of a way to practice it. My eyes welled with tears when I read the card because I knew I had so much fear in me blocking my ability to trust. They would have to come back to me.

Ralph's virtue for the week is confidence. He was able to relate his need to practice confidence to an upcoming meeting he will have at work on Friday. Briana's virtue is orderliness. How appropriate. She is ready to remember to put her keys away (she'll be walking back and forth from home to school) and to keep up with her books since she has to change classrooms for various classes this year.

So back to me. As I struggled to think of someway to exercise trust, Briana piped up. "Mommy, you can practice trusting in other people," she shared. How right she was. "You can also trust that I will do well in school this year." I needed to hear that, but from her, it meant so much more. So my practice in trust this week is about trusting in my family and that things will be okay.

And in trusting, before leaving for school this morning, Briana and I said prayers together. I asked her what she wanted God to help her with. She said that she wanted help with getting through the first day of school. So, she found a prayer for aid and assistance. Don't we all need it? After she read it, we discussed its meaning - including detachment and trusting in God.

I can't wait for her to get home so that we can talk about the lessons she learned on the first day of school!

Black Women's Art Festival - Writing Workshop

Yesterday my friend Melissa and I attended a writing workshop entitled "Spark the Pen: Finding and Honoring Your Creative Voice," that was facilitated by children's fiction writer, Tonya C. Hegamin. This program was featured as a part of the 5th Annual Black Women's Arts Festival taking place through Sunday.

The first thing I will say about attending the workshop is that it was a blessing, right on time. With only 3 participants, intimacy, spirituality, and love permeated West Philly's Rotunda.

As I am writing now, I am flooded with emotions about this experience. However, I don't want to go into what I feel; I want to share what I learned.

Rights
Focused on deep breathing exercises for centering and regaining intention, our mantra was I have the right to be creative. Who thinks they have that right? Don't we view taking time for ourselves, expressing ourselves as a privilege? I never imagined being entitled to my creativity and much less to using it. Now I do.

Practice
Tonya, an established writer, said it. I don't have to beat myself up for stumbling in my practice. She admitted to not always being a disciplined writer. The alternative to self-degradation when there is a misstep, nurture. A practice is to be nurtured, guided, and gently massaged into habit.

Intention
Tonya asked that we write about our intentions. I wrote that thinking about intentions is scary, because it connotates commitment to me, and I am sometimes afraid of this too. However, by the end of the exercise, I came up with a list of intentions to anchor me in my transition.

1) I intend to face, go into, through, and out the other side of my fears

2) I intend to relax and enjoy myself

3) I intend to discover how to fully express my existence in a manner that not only fulfills me, but benefits others

4) I intend to write about my journey for the sake of my own voice

5) I intend to practice patience, being present, and forgiving toward myself

6) I intend to be involved with me and to mine my own gems

7) I intend to discover and sustain peaceful and simple living

8) I intend to love myself enough to learn myself

9) I intend to flow

(click here for information about image)

Trying Not To Panic

Over this past weekend, after several fun-filled days with Briana and Naomi were done, I began to panic. I only worked 11 hours last week, not the 20 Ralph and I agreed to. I didn't say obligatory prayers everyday, and I still didn't know what I want to do with my life. Sadness settled around me like the haze of humidity already in the air today. I felt like I had already failed myself.

This is the thing about me. I like to know what is going to happen, if possible when, so that I can make a plan. I have to have a plan. I am most uncomfortable floating around in possibility. It drives me crazy.

For weeks now Ralph has been telling me that I should just chillax, watch movies on Netflix, go to the park, put together our honeymoon photo album, better yet, get started on our wedding scrapbook. He has been encouraging me to have fun and spend some time enjoying the space I have. But I've been reluctant to saturate myself in good feelings, lest disappointment meet me unexpectedly.

Okay, so I don't want to panic anymore. I do want to enjoy my time, value it, and use it constructively. How am I going to do that without feeling afraid of what I don't know or at least finding successful ways to abate the fear? How can I walk securely in this recession economy, knowing that I just halved our family's income? How can I not be riddled with guilt for deciding it's okay for Jamila to take care of herself? While the self-doubt is chirping away, I am also trying to be proactive by developing a time line that will be a four-phase plan to getting me to making a decision about what to do with my life. I'll share more about that later. In the meantime, any strategies or encouraging words are welcome!

Me and the Girls - Pie Day

What a day! This being my first week working from home, I've had a couple of interesting distractions - namely Briana and Naomi. They haven't really been distractions though. Both girls have made breakfast for themselves, made birthday cards to give to a friend at a party tomorrow, and even have made lunch for all of us the last two days. Yesterday Briana and I took Naomi to our "summerhouse" at Rockwood Park. It's really a historic home turned museum with about 80 acres of sprawling lawn and wooded trails less than 10 minutes from home. But, we hardly ever see other people when we are there, so we pretend that it's our personal getaway.

Honestly, I did feel somewhat distressed about what the week was going to be like with the girls. Plus, the maintenance guy, Mike, from my apartment complex has been in and out of the apartment everyday this week for some various repairs. Multitasking has taken on a new face while working from home.

In the office, multitasking meant juggling tasks related to way too many projects going on all at once; being called in for a brainstorming session with my boss; delegating tasks and explaining programs or correcting behavior of my assistants. Multitasking at home has meant refreshing my e-mail box every quarter hour; trying to stay out of disputes between the girls (unless I imagine blood was flowing, I try to let them work it out on their own); answering the door for Mike and then his various questions; and yelling "no!!" to the girls' constant plea, "Are you done working yet?"

Well, I've only managed to get 3 hours of work done today and spent the last hour playing Skipbo (a card game) with the girls, while listening to Jordin Sparks radio on pandora.com. BTW, Jordine Sparks radio is what Briana named the station that has the music she likes - everything pop, Miley Cyrus, Chris Brown, Rihanna, etc.

While playing Skipbo, me and the girls made fun of silly song lyrics, the lilts (or lack of creative expression) in how a singer's command of their soon to be one hit wonder, and then... farting. They love talking about farting for some reason. Nonetheless, I laughed so hard with them. I was close to tears several times and am sure my abs will be sore later. Good times....

But, the girls are leaving me this evening. They'll be going to my mother's in time for the birthday party tomorrow. I'll miss them and feel a little anxious about tomorrow, since for the first time I'll really be home alone. I am grateful to have had this week with them. They are really wonderful human beings - full of humor, generosity, compassion, and intelligence.

They don't know how much I really like them. I told them, but I don't think they really get it. They are awesome!

On to the next thing

Today is the first official day of my "underemployment". Last week Ralph and I spent vacation time with Briana (my daughter,11), Joseph (my brother, 17 next month), and Naomi (my sister, also 11) at the beach (watch out for those waves in Rehoboth), bowling, and at Baltimore Harbor. It was great spending time with family, especially the young ones. It helped ground me and reminded me of what I value most - family and friends.

This past weekend was also really great. Ralph and I spent time at a beautiful wedding amongst friends and had a really fun time. I think I am starting to conquer some of my social anxiety by learning to be present, in the moment, and just letting things come as they will.

As for today and this week, I'll be spending time at home with Briana and Naomi. We are getting ready to head out to the library to check out some books and movies. What else is on my plate this week? Well, I am actually staying on at my job through the end of September part-time (20 hours a week, mostly from home). This week will mark the beginning of the transition to part-time work. I'm looking forward to it.

As of now, I just feel happy. I'm happy to have supportive friends and a loving family. I'm happy to have my health and mental well-being. I'm happy to have my Faith. I'm happy to have myself in transition.

What Do You Do?

When people ask the question, “So, what do you do,” what do they mean by that? I stumble at times to come up with the right answer. I have to think about it like a list of bulleted points that define my time and life, try to prioritize them, and then come up with an answer that usually refers to a title of some kind. “Oh, I’m a program coordinator.” That’s the answer.

I coordinate play dates for my daughter; forums and professional advancement activities for cancer researchers; spiritual education classes for children; conferences for young adults; artistic programs for my religious community; dinner menus, family celebrations, and weekend getaways.

I have been a professional coordinator, spending time assisting the development and implementation of programs for minorities, women, high school and undergraduate students interested in or who are pursuing careers in cancer research. This is my nine to five.

My daughter's character development is one of the most important things to me. For her to be tolerant, generous, humble, confident, happy, and responsible are among the best attributes anyone can possess. I don’t want this for my child only. I think these are things all human beings should learn. But I can’t teach this to everyone, so I have coordinated and taught Sunday morning classes about spiritual and character education to elementary school children at my home.

Aren’t we all coordinating and developing goals and objectives to create a program for our lives? I can't seem to get out of the realm of coordinating. However, no matter what I do, or who I become, my mission in life will be to use this knack for coordinating to help other people.

I feel fortunate that I have been able to do so through my profession working in nonprofit administration. I am happy knowing that I’ve helped homeless men and women, recovering drug addicts and alcoholics, minorities, women and students pursuing careers in cancer research, and autistic children by coordinating programs and activities that have provided material, professional, and spiritual development.

There are so many ways to serve humanity. We do it by nurturing and caring for our families and relationships with friends; we do it by volunteering in our religious communities or at the local food bank. As I wander this road looking for what to do next, I hope to remember I hope not to get stuck by defining myself as a coordinator, but that I will continue to seek ways to serve humanity utilizing other talents and gifts.

Letting Go of the Past

This may sound a bit nauseating, so please skip the next paragraph if you don’t like thinking about pimples and/or have a weak stomach. This is about a dream…


Last week I had this recurring dream about popping pimples (I remember that one was on my upper lip) and that when I did so, in addition to the usual gush of fluids, there was a long stream of black stuff coming out. So, I turned to a dream dictionary to find out what this means.


Well, the consensus is that I have some negative emotional baggage that I need to release, because if I don’t, these emotions are going to erupt, I presume in an unhealthy way. So what is going on inside of me that needs to be released? What am I holding on to that should be let go?


I, like many other people, have issues from my past that probably haven’t been properly addressed; there may be some people I need to forgive, some pains I need to learn how to heal. I often reminisce about the past and think of many experiences as having been the best in my life, and others as the worse. So what steps need to be taken to move out of the past and into the present? How do we let go of stuff we’ve held onto for so long that we believe it defines us?


As you see from my blog profile, I like self-help books. I also like self-help on the Internet. I googled “How to Let Go of Your Past” and found some interesting results. I hope some of these will be helpful to others. I’ll keep you posted on my journey to uncover what’s locked inside and will share methodology I may use to keep letting go.


If you have tried to let go of some things and succeeded, please consider sharing how you did it by posting a comment. Are you stuck in a rut too? Consider sharing what steps you will take to move through to the other side.

Let Go of Regret and Guilt

Six Steps to Letting Go of Your Past

Positive Attitude Quotes

Processes

When Ralph and I first discussed the potential for me to leave my job, we established some conditions and expectations. These included:
1) Take time to think and plan what I’d like to do next
2) Make a plan for how to go through this process
3) Get a part-time job in September


I think I’ll be okay on the thinking part and finding something to do part-time. However, I think I will be challenged by the planning the process part. There are so many questions to ask and I am not sure that I’ve identified all of the important ones, although I have a running list. So, I’d like to ask for your help in thinking about a process.

Once I quit my job (I have 8 days left), I’ll be home pondering and trying to organize my thoughts around this whole what am I going to do with my life idea, but I’d like to break the big question down. Do you have a process for making decisions? In making decisions about your own life, is there an experience you can share? For those of you familiar with the Baha’i process of consultation, how can it be effective in helping me decide what’s next?

Fear Don’t Live Here No Mo’

As I near the end of my employment, I must admit that I have a little fear. It is the proverbial fear of the unknown accompanied with fleeting “what if…” questions breezing through my mind. I trust that things will work out fine, but know that there are sacrifices being made by not only me, but by my husband and daughter to allow me this chance to breathe.

When I started writing this post, I thought that I would list those “what if…” questions, but on second thought, I recognize that there is no reason for me to live in that fear or to bring it to life by putting it out here in cyberspace.

How many times have opportunities come before us, but because of fear and lack of faith, we’ve sat idly and watched a chance go by? How many times have we said, “I could never do that” because of disbelief in our abilities and not wanting to do the work to find the innate and latent gems in ourselves? Who would we be if we stopped discounting ourselves and believed in and obeyed the Words “Noble have I created thee….Rise then unto that for which thou wast created.” [1]

It is not my intent to get preachy here. It’s just that in this moment I am clearly recognizing how immobilized I have often been because of fear. In her book Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Marianne Williamson writes [2] “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure….” When did we become so fearful to live life as it is intended - fully, with knowledge that suffering is, and that awe is on its way?

I just ask these questions and peruse this thought because I have lived in fear too much. I have been afraid to sing out loud because I thought my voice too frail in comparison to many others (although I love to sing and actually can). I have been afraid to dream big because I did not want to be disappointed with no one to blame but myself for my failures (my neurosis). I have been afraid to let go of someone who didn’t love me because I didn’t trust that God loved me enough to send along someone who would. The list goes on.

Anyway, I am feeling a bit liberated now, and want to share my change of address [3].

"Can't remember if I told you that:

I have moved out from 1 Beggars Alley, located at 2 Poverty Lane at the corner of Bleak and Buster Circle. As of today, I have a brand new home.

My new address is Living Well on 3 Abundance Drive , located at the corner of Blessings Street and Prosperity Peak. No longer will I allow myself to travel on Begging Peter to Pay Paul Route, located at a Dead End Intersection called I Don't Have, it connects with Borrowers Junction.

I no longer hang out at Failure's Place, near Excuses Avenue , next to procrastination Point. I've moved to an upscale community called Higher Heights with unlimited potential and opportunities for me to succeed.

Look at me, Each day that I'm awake, I am thankful that I'm a product of my new environment, all of my clothes are tailor made, I'm dressed in life's finest, let me introduce you to them: Divine Favor, Conceive, Believe, Act on Faith, Be Persistent, and Always Be Prepared to Achieve.

Life is good because God is good!! Care to change your address?

There are many vacancies!"

---

[1] Baha’u’llah, The Hidden Words

[2] note that this quote is often incorrectly attributed to Nelson Mandela

[3] I don’t know who wrote this, but it wasn’t me

Antsy Pants at Work

I have a running list of topics to write about for this blog, including this one. I guess now is as good a time as any to go through it.

Yesterday, my boss announced (via e-mail) to everyone that I’ll be leaving my job on July 11^th. It seems so official now! But in many ways, I already feel like I have left. Since I told her that I would be leaving, my mental focus hasn’t been the same.

Instead of being focused on timelines and projects, I have spent several weeks in paralysis at the keyboard just feeling the relief and release at knowing there is an end in sight. It has been difficult to concentrate on work-related tasks, so I tried a few different things to keep me from totally fading out.

We didn’t tell my two staff assistants right away that I would be leaving. Instead, my approach was to spend more time with them in discussion so as to make sure they would be in a good place for the transition about to take place. So, we talked a lot about documenting processes, time management so that those “off the radar” tasks can become more a part of the regular work day, and learning better how to anticipate needs. Honestly, I’m going to miss these ladies. They are wonderful to work with and it has been such an extreme pleasure to not only mentor and coach them, but to learn from them as well. I’ll miss them!

Another thing I’ve been doing is going through all the old files I still have. So, it’s been the Clean House three piles system – toss, keep, delegate to a staff assistant to file away. I have a lot of stuff to go through and will likely end up with mounds of shredded paper to discard.

But, antsy pants or not, and no matter how much I want to just take three hour lunches, surf the internet for hours (so okay, I am guilty of a few times), I know that how I leave my job is just as important as all of the stuff I’ve accomplished in between the start and finish. I don’t want to become the slacker girl who came in late and made pit stops at everybody’s cubicle throwing it everyone’s face that I’m leaving just because I’m absolutely jubilant and excited! No, I have to retain composure, professionalism, FOCUS, and just get through the next 11 days with my reputation as a diligent, reliable, and efficient team player in place.

But it’s so hard!!!!

Suggestions Anyone? Transitioning to a Single Income Family

This decision of mine to just leave my job was not one made without serious thought, consultation, and prayer. However, I have been able to make this decision for myself because of the support and love I receive from my husband, Ralph. While I’ll be contemplating, researching, analyzing and finding more time to spend with Briana, Ralph will be out in the “real world” earning a living for our family. Best thing about it though is that he absolutely loves what he does and the organization for which he works.

Well, as we know, the tale of women in the workforce and the “stay-at-home-mom” has taken many twists and turns over the last thirty to forty years. Women have been breaking barriers, while many still remain, and learning to negotiate for what they want. Well, what I want to is to take some time to develop a long-term plan for how to contribute to the betterment of society. Who do I negotiate with to get that time? My husband.


Ralph was the one who said, “…then just quit,” when we had another one of those long drawn out discussions with me in tears talking about my stress, insecurity, and inability (let alone desire) to manage all that was on my plate. Once he said those magic words, the screaming in my head went away and that judgmental and unequivocally pessimistic voice was silenced. Did he really mean that I could just quit my job?! Are you serious?! How could we possibly ever allow that to happen?

Well, over time, we have developed into the ever budget conscious and penny-watching couple. Tooling around with our budget, adding expenses paid, developing debt pay-off and savings plans have become somewhat of a hobby for us. We spend a few hours discussing our finances weekly. These are discussions, brainstorming sessions, and team-building strategies. I dare say and admit that we actually enjoy them! Fortunate for us, we tend to be on the same page about our financial priorities.

That aside, many of the choices we have made that have benefited us financially have been lifestyle changes. For example, I finally agreed after almost two years of dissent, that we could live without cable and that a NetFlix subscription would be just fine (and it is). We were able to cut our home phone bill in half simply by switching to an internet phone service provider (BTW, anyone interested in signing up with Vonage? If you get service and say we recommended you, we both get a month free!). Another example is of our increasingly vegetarian diet.

All of this leads to the road of us needing to continue to watch our budget especially since our income is about to shrink in half. One of the first things I did (after we figured out that we could afford this change) when I decided to leave my job was to do research on how to transition to becoming a single income family. There will be a lot of sacrifices made – our individual weekly “allowances” for “extra food” and entertainment will be diminished; the amount of times we eat out or order food for delivery will be lessened as well. It’s funny, so much of our disposable income goes to actually entertaining ourselves with good food.

I know we’ll need to be creative about finding fun and inexpensive things to do. So, if anyone has recommendations for “free” or cheap stuff to do - family activities that don’t include the exorbitant fees for amusement park or movie theatre tickets, or a cheap date – please leave a comment on the blog and share your recommendations. Also, tips you may have on saving money on grocery shopping, transportation expense, clothes shopping, etc. are also welcome!

Thanksgiving

I am so amazed! Yesterday I took an anxiety-filled step and shared my search for the broader direction of my life with loved ones. Many of you are feeling me, and I am so surprised, shocked and awed to experience the love and support you have offered in your words of encouragement and counsel. I thank you.



We all have work to do. Part of the Baha’i Short Obligatory Prayer reads, “I bear witness, O my God, that Thou has created me to know Thee and to worship Thee.” The acts of fulfilling the purpose of our creation are found through the experiences we choose to have in this life with other people and in our stewardship of God’s creation. We are in this race preparing our souls for a journey to come in another realm. This existence is training, a practice run for what’s to come. How will we leave it? Will we have run the course and made it as close as we could to the finish line? Will we have started it and then given up when a hurdle seemed too high to jump? Or will we have just stayed at the finish line, having refused to even start the journey?



I am reminded of the Bible verse found in Hebrews 12:1, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

Fifteen Days and Counting

Four weeks ago I walked into my boss’ office and told her that we needed to talk. Being the newlywed (first anniversary in a month!), and all, every closed door conversation or sentence that starts with “I have something to tell you” means I’m pregnant. But, I’m not. This behind the door revelation was about quitting, no, resigning - still better - just plain leaving.



Approaching my fifth year with this non-profit organization, and four years in the same position with increasingly more responsibility, accountability, and higher expectations, I figure now is as good a time as any to leave. While still in college, I made my first conscious choice for a career path. I chose to lead a life and pursue a career that would put me in service of humanity. This service was not about selling manufactured goods, or “feel-good” experiences. I wanted my contributions to be life-changing, to help move people out of the gray and into the light of salvation, of living well. The only model I knew to provide this (aside from being a physician which I never seriously considered), was to work in the non-for-profit sector. Ten years later, it is where I am and where I’ve learned a lot because of insufficient resources, and where I have had to wear many hats – fundraiser, graphic designer, marketing and advertising expert, coach and mentors to my assistant, web designer, project manager – all at the same time. I have efficiently and matter-of-factly become a generalist. These are the gems of the job.



But my leaving coincides not only with having reached the midpoint of my career, it merges with newness in finding new realities in motherhood because now I have a partner; a dream come true in really having met the perfect guy for me; and now the opportunity to learn about myself. At nineteen and the end of my freshman year of college, I came home pregnant and in January 1997 gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My family was not initially supportive of my decision to become a mother, so I moved to Connecticut to live with “my baby daddy,” who later and briefly became my first husband.



Motherhood, marriage, scholarship, and womanhood all collided at the same time and I was like “whoa.” I had to get my hustle on to make this all work, and add my 20 plus hours at the bagel and coffee shops each week. I made a decision to graduate from college just because so many seemed to think I wouldn’t make it. It was during this time that I first became familiar with the concept of a non-profit organization having been hired to work part-time at a community foundation; and I decided that I wanted to throw in my lot with this crowd.



Fast forward 10 years later, I was still hustling, this time in a different city with an elementary school aged daughter, divorced (but with my degree!) and single, and in a job with the promise of career advancement. My job provided me with so many experiences, that all of a sudden I realized that I had grown up and become a manager. I was responsible for programs; younger employees looked to me for direction and I was mentoring and coaching them. Again, whoa! When did this happen? When did I begin working late, taking work home, traveling for business, and doing work from home when my daughter was home sick from school and I needed to take a sick day to be with her? When did I realize that I didn’t enjoy it anymore? That the pace of the hustle over the last 10 years had taken its toll? That I was thirty and had gained 25 pounds since college?!



Well, it has been within this first year of marriage while someone has been loving me and taking his time to make sure that I am okay that I have realized that in some ways, I am not. Now that someone is here to help with homework, to watch romantic comedies with, that can help me stick to the budget and holds me up during a bout with depression – now I see.



I see that while my hustle yielded me “Independent Woman” status, it was also wreaking havoc on my mind and soul. With the opportunity to see my career for what it is, I realize that I am tired of little support and recognition, of burn out followed by depressive episodes and not wanting to spend another day of my life lamenting with my colleagues in fear of the CEO’s response to a meeting binder with a typo! So, I’m leaving.



My embarkation is not to another job, or even another career path. It is to home, to sanctuary, to a break. I don’t like to think of my choice as having given up. Rather it’s a choice about uplifting my life to the universe in surrender to another path. Who says there is only one? Who says I can’t stop where I am and just doing something different. For the first time, there is no demand on me that compels me to produce as a means of earning as a means to barely live. Instead of confronting unemployment with trepidation (as I would if I were still a single mother), I’m confronting joblessness with awe and excitement about self-discovery.



This leaving is taking me somewhere I have never been for more than a week’s worth of paid vacation at a time; and even then, I was too scared to go too far, lest I not be able to return. That somewhere is so close to home, it is the most intimate place I know – it takes me right to me.