Over this past weekend, after several fun-filled days with Briana and Naomi were done, I began to panic. I only worked 11 hours last week, not the 20 Ralph and I agreed to. I didn't say obligatory prayers everyday, and I still didn't know what I want to do with my life. Sadness settled around me like the haze of humidity already in the air today. I felt like I had already failed myself.
This is the thing about me. I like to know what is going to happen, if possible when, so that I can make a plan. I have to have a plan. I am most uncomfortable floating around in possibility. It drives me crazy.
For weeks now Ralph has been telling me that I should just chillax, watch movies on Netflix, go to the park, put together our honeymoon photo album, better yet, get started on our wedding scrapbook. He has been encouraging me to have fun and spend some time enjoying the space I have. But I've been reluctant to saturate myself in good feelings, lest disappointment meet me unexpectedly.
Okay, so I don't want to panic anymore. I do want to enjoy my time, value it, and use it constructively. How am I going to do that without feeling afraid of what I don't know or at least finding successful ways to abate the fear? How can I walk securely in this recession economy, knowing that I just halved our family's income? How can I not be riddled with guilt for deciding it's okay for Jamila to take care of herself? While the self-doubt is chirping away, I am also trying to be proactive by developing a time line that will be a four-phase plan to getting me to making a decision about what to do with my life. I'll share more about that later. In the meantime, any strategies or encouraging words are welcome!
2 comments:
Jamila, it sounds like you have already forgotten about your dream (about the pimple). Let go of that negativity (ie. anxiety); acknowledge it (which you have) and move on. You are fine, your family is fine, and your friends are there if you need us:-)
Sending you positive energy!
Thanks, Rachel. I needed that.
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